Everyone goes to the water’s edge for different reasons. At different times. In different states. 

I look back and remember the times that I went to the water. It was always for solitude. I went to stretch time for as long as possible. When the air and water are warm, you can linger for hours with no worries. When the air is cold and the water frigid, it feels even longer. Add a sunrise on top of that… You have it made. 

In the early hour, there is no movement around to spook you. Perhaps a mallard, if you’re lucky. 

There is only the warmth of the morning glow on the face, your visible breath, and calm water. 

When I begin undressing to prepare myself for a plunge - usually a cold one - I’m thinking about how I look forward to a moment of nothing. Even as my hat, jacket, and sweater come off, I’m not thinking about my body or feeding the idea of my own self-loathing towards it. I spend enough time doing that, thank you very much. 

As I kick off the shoes, rip off my socks and hesitate to take my sweatpants off - because if I take off my pants, I’m going in - the light breeze tugs me closer to the water’s edge and I’m sold. 

In on three. Okay. One. Two… One. Two. Three. 

As the water bites and feels hot against the skin because of how cold it is, you keep going even as your feet begin to ache against the rocky bottom. I guess the only thing to alleviate the pain is to lay back, bob and let yourself drift. Which is exactly what I do.

Something I cherish in this life is when I’m able to float in the water and keep my entire body and head under while only allowing for my mouth and nose to break the surface. No sounds but the pulse of my heart. Nothing to see. Nothing to feel. 

In our lives, we feel so many extremes and sometimes, I just want to be without. These extreme feelings are molded by the choices that are made by ourselves and others. It’s easy to justify, blame or sympathize with someone else’s choice. But a choice of our own, we will always take the fall for it. Dwell. Use it to justify the way others treat us. 

As I realize the onset of hypothermia is just around the corner, I make the decision to walk out of the water. I don’t want to get out but I can’t stay in. Finally out of the water, I shiver away under a towel and clutch my feet with my hands. I can finally sigh. 

I don’t want it to seem like I am in search of pain, frustration or distance, all I want is the opposite. Water isn’t referenced throughout history and in many cultures as having healing qualities for no reason. The simple act of going in and coming out of water is powerful. What once was will not be anymore. It has been washed away. A new beginning. A fresh start. Whatever you want to call it. 

I call it hope. 

I’m reminded that I will smile again. I will laugh again. I will look forward to things, again. 

I like to consider myself an optimist. We are all desperately trying to stay in the moment. So, I do my best, while looking ahead, to not let my gaze slip into the rearview mirror and dwell on what once was. The past reminds me of my grief, anger and suffering. If I can overcome my fear and look forward there may also be laughter, joy, new experiences and friendship.

There is so much to look forward to in life so I beg, truly let go of anything that weighs heavy on the body and soul. However, remember the love and laughter because that is the only thing truly worth remembering.

That’s where my mind wanders at the water's edge. What has yet come to pass. There is so much to come. 

And why the sunrise? The sunrise serves as a thoughtful reminder that there is light and hope after the darkness.